Author Topic: Stock Market Jokes  (Read 8416 times)

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Offline Farzooq

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Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #-1 on: December 06, 2010, 11:54:02 AM »
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use
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Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #-1 on: December 06, 2010, 11:54:02 AM »

Offline M&M

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« on: December 06, 2010, 12:13:06 PM »
rofl @ bear market and market correction
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." - Socrates

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Offline Farzooq

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2010, 12:15:13 PM »
Pigeon versus stockbroker     

Q: What’s the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

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Offline Farzooq

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2010, 12:19:35 PM »
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
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Offline Farzooq

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2010, 12:30:45 PM »
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.


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Offline SK

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2010, 12:47:32 PM »
 :biggrin:

Offline kiani

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2010, 09:49:40 AM »
 :clap1:

Offline bravo

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2011, 01:17:26 PM »
 :biggrin: :laugh:

Offline Faiz

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2011, 05:14:01 PM »
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night.

.
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I woke up every hour and cried.

Offline Faiz

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2011, 05:18:03 PM »
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use


Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make "weather forecasters" look good.


ha ha ha sorry Farzooq bhai. . .

Offline Faiz

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2011, 04:44:35 PM »
Question: What is a long tern Investment ?

Answer:   A long term investment is a "short term investment" that failed.
 :biggrin:

Offline bravo

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2011, 03:15:45 PM »
 :biggrin: :bangin:

Offline jahangir

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2011, 11:09:44 PM »
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Offline Faiz

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2011, 07:18:24 PM »
It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

Offline Farzooq

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2011, 07:51:41 PM »
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!""What is your secret?" the analyst asked."It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.""But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested."I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
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Offline Farzooq

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2011, 08:03:50 PM »
There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%
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Offline Faiz

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2011, 12:55:17 PM »
My broker and I, are working on a retirement plan.





Unfortunately, it's his!

Offline ek ka do, do ka char

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2011, 04:41:54 PM »
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!""What is your secret?" the analyst asked."It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.""But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested."I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
gud 1 farzooq bhai! ye brokers tu waqai jo aarhi terrhi trading krden wo saali sahi hojati he or hm bechari masoom! itni soch smjh kr trading krte hen or ye saalay hmaray pese ura kr lejatay hen

Offline Tayyab2011

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #17 on: April 08, 2012, 09:18:10 AM »
There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%
How true it is; really amazing  :))

Offline saifullahkhan7

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Re: Stock Market Jokes
« Reply #18 on: October 29, 2012, 12:12:37 AM »
Trust in God! & Candle Sticks, Bollinger Bands and looking into  2 Yrs EPS/DPS helps!!!

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